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Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Bumbling homophobe, a mess at open mic, and what now.....

Hey everyone. This will be a great post. Just thought you'd all like to know that.

Ok--first things first, can ANYONE tell me in very basic--and I mean very basic terms what the differences are between dubstep, techno, and house music? I seriously think that they all sound the same.

Best song lyric of the week: "I don't need a boyfriend cuz I got my flip flops." Simplistic efforts+ philosophical brilliance= country music.

True story: Last week in Oregon there was an open mic event at a coffee shop. We all know that open mic's can be f***ing weird, but that is not the point. So this guy got up and sang a new song that he had written. The name of the song was, Sorry for the Mess. After he sang the song, he proceeded to stab himself to death--ONSTAGE. The freaks in the audience thought it was part of his art, so they just watched--ya know--while nodding their heads--pretending that they thought it was a brilliant performance. Finally, someone realized that he was indeed stabbing himself, but by then, it was too late--  he was dead. Suicide is never funny, but this story did make me laugh. How in the hell does one just watch something like that happen? Seriously, how?  Note to self: stay away from open mic's in Oregon.

Ok-here is another tragically funny story. I recently went to my very first soccer game ever. It was a super fun experience. My dear friend Sammy is a member of the Angel City Brigade which is a group of die hard Galaxy fanatics that attend every game and cheer the entire time. They have drums, flags, special cheers and songs--it's really cool. I totally got into the hype. I was jumping, singing, and cheering just as loud as everyone else................ Here is where the story turns tragically funny--the leader of the group stands in front with a megaphone to let us know which song or cheer we should do. He also keeps everyone in line and kicks people out that aren't actively participating.

Ok--the leader announced that we all needed to raise our hands while doing "spirit fingers"--then we needed to shout in unison as the opposing teams goalie kicked the ball--as the goalie made contact with the ball we all screamed "puto." Ok--even though I should know spanish--I don't. When I told Myriam about the cheer she looked dumbfounded and asked me if I knew what puto meant. I of course said that I thought it meant f***er to which she replied that I was wrong. It means faggot. I was unknowingly committing a verbal hate crime--for 90 minutes--and smiling while doing it. She thought it was hilarious. Here is what makes this story funny:
1. Doing spirit fingers is super gay
2. I am an idiot

Here is what makes this story tragic:
1. 7/10 teen suicides are caused because of a gender or sexuality crisis
2. I spend every waking moment trying to teach people about why acceptance of others is crucial

I'm sad because I cannot possibly attend another game with the ACB even though I really enjoyed the experience. Some people may argue that it's just a word, but I beg to differ. The saying "sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me" is str8 up bullshit. Words can be much more powerful than a punch--scars from words take much longer to heal. I plan on writing a letter to the ACB to see if they would be willing to change that particular cheer.

The interesting thing about the ACB is that it is a very diverse group. They pride themselves on diversity--I'm hoping a conversation with them will open doors to queer galaxy fans. Perhaps there are already some in the group....I'm sure shouting that word is very difficult for them to do. Gandhi says that we should "be the change you wish to see," I guess this is where I come in because I simply cannot stand by and watch this continue.

I finished The Art of War. I loved it. I read it through a queer comedic lens--which I'm sure has never been done before.

I'm really glad that the semester is nearly over.  I love teaching so much, but I hate all of the drama that comes with it. Seems the dean needs to meet with me AGAIN.....wonder what it is this time. Who knows? I am comforted though by the saying: "well behaved people rarely make history." I truly believe that I am good at what I do. I have changed lives and am seriously tired of having to defend my teaching style. I guess we will see what happens.

Not much else is going on. Looking forward to my meeting tonight and a cool event on Saturday. I think I'll bbq on Sunday. Thanks for reading everyone.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Forbidden speech topics, books, Is that Aretha or....

I think it's odd that we call today "good Friday." Isn't this supposed to be the day Christ DIED? And then we call that cool day of shopping after Thanksgiving "black Friday." What's black about it? They should be switched. BTW--yes, I know we call it good Friday because ye ol' JC died for us, and that's "good." And, yes I know we call the other one black Friday because it's the day most companies get out of the red and into the black financially. Most people don't know that so...I still think it's odd.

Saw HOP again today with Myriam. She loved it. Is there a soundtrack for that film cuz if there is, I'd like to get it. I really enjoyed all of the music.

This week I heard some of the best speeches ever in my public speaking class. Thanks everyone for working so hard. My students are pretty great. Today I actually held an "optional"lecture/class and 21 people showed up:) I couldn't believe it.

I have a very short list of speech topics that are off limits. After this week, I have added to more. Here is the list just in case you are curious:
1. NO BOARD SPEECHES i.e. snowboard, surfboard, wakeboard, skateboard, etc. It's not that I have anything against these boards or the people that ride on them--it's just that I live in Southern Cali so I've already heard about 100 of these speeches. I just cannot hear another one.

2. No abortion. The reason for this is: someone always cries or storms out of the room. It's not worth it.
3. No death penalty.
4. Do NOT try to save our souls? I once had a student do a persuasive speech where they had an "alter call" at the end.  He wanted us all to come forward and accept Jesus as our personal savior. This student said that if each of us did not come forward--we would burn in hell. A Jewish student freaked out and another student told the speaker to fuck off.  It was not at all productive.
Here are the two that I had to add this week:
1. How to put in contact lenses. Um...I nearly threw up. It's weird I know, I just cannot watch someone touch his or her eye. I have never tried contacts simply because the thought of touching my own eye makes me weak in the knees.
2. How to test your blood sugar. Um...you know how I am with needles and blood. Let's just say it's hard to grade a speech when you are passed out on the floor. LOL.

Let's see.....what else is going on? It's so great having Myriam home. She enjoyed the tour but is really happy to be back in LBC. Tomorrow is the L.A. Grilled Cheeses Invitational. It's also the L.A. Galaxy game. Oh, and I have to teach in the morning. Busy day I guess.

Myriam thinks that Aretha Franklin looks like Snuffleupagus from Sesame Street. At first I was offended by such a ridiculous statement. Then, I looked at her latest picture and cannot help but agree.

I try really hard to read two books a week. This week I am reading The Art of War by Sun Tzu and The Jungle by Upton Sinclair. The two in line after that are Kiss and Tell by Mari Naomi and Water for Elephants by Sarah Gruen. I'll let you all know what I think of them. Ice T just came out with his memoir. I'm pretty sure it's gonna be good.

Next month Lily Tomlin AND Wanda Sykes are both coming to Long Beach. My friend Jen got an interview with Lily Tomlin. I'm really excited for her--

Best song lyric of the week "If the proof is in the pudding then call me Cosby."
Best sign that I saw this week at a church: "Finding eggs is ok but finding Jesus is better." Is he hiding?
That's all I have for today. Happy Easter--hope all of your baskets have the good chocolate in them and not that cheap stuff that tastes like waxy pencil shavings. Thanks for reading.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Weekend plans, pimp driving, and the meat we eat

It's Wednesday night, Myriam is finally home, and life is good. We are working through our stuff, moving forward, and possibly planning a wedding:) Yes--what I say is true.

Ok so I am no longer performing at the Comedy Store on May 8th. I got bumped. No big deal. I'll get there eventually. Everything happens in its own time. I have been writing a one person show. I hope to perform that this summer--I'm sure tons of people will come and see it.

I have a VERY busy weekend coming up. Of course Scratch and Sid (our two rabbits) are very excited about delivering baskets on Sunday. I am supposed to be a judge at the L.A. Grilled Cheese Invitational on Saturday AND I am supposed to go to the LA Galaxy game. Tough decision to make--isn't it? Myriam and I are going to see Hop and Water for Elephants on Friday. We are also going out for a romantic dinner before. I'm very excited. On Sunday, we are going to brunch then to see the flowers in Carlsbad.

The weather has been weird--especially in the midwest. I hear that it's still snowing in Iowa and Illinois. That is ridiculous.

I am so glad that I am on spring break right now at Chapman. I absolutely HATE teaching on April 20th. Everyone is always saying--"dude, it's 420--cool." What a bunch of idiots.

Ok--I learned something really interesting this week about what we, as Americans, eat. Here's the deal: The average American eats 64 lbs of beef, 50 lbs of pork, 57 lbs of chicken, and 14 lbs of turkey every year. Just an FYI--that is 185 lbs of meat. I'm not sure what to do with that information--I just thought it was pretty facinating.

Today I saw a pimp driving around in a lavander cadillac. Well, at least I think it was a pimp. His liscense plate said Mr 2 tall, he was smoking a long cigar, and he had a feather in his fedora hat. I really really wanted to talk to him.

I am no longer going to carry ID. Why, you ask? Because people should just know who I am. That of course is the philosophy of Sue Sylvester. It's now mine too.

Still looking for summer work. Erin--I will try to come to the theater soon:) Next week I plan on sending out a lot of resumes. Hopefully something  good will come out of that. I'd love to find something part time--but I need to make like four grand to get through the summer. I guess we will see what happens.

That's it for today. Thanks for reading folks.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Baptist BBQ, typo, and a one-legged Uncle Sam

Happy Friday. It is a beautiful day outside. I believe it's 83 degrees with a nice breeze. Too bad Myriam isn't here to enjoy it with me. Speaking of Myriam, she will be home in 4 days. 4 DAYS!!!!! YAY! She has been gone for 30 days and I am very ready for her to come home. I miss her a lot. The Sister Spit Tour is going very well. Tonight they are in Minneapolis, Sunday is Madison Wisconsin, and Monday is Chicago.

I've recently noticed a trend with music that I do not understand. What is up with artists coming out with part II and part III of songs? Is it because they have run out of ideas so they just add to whatever is already out there? I do not think it should be allowed.

I also do not think athletes and musicians should get to return after they retire. Once they say they are gonna leave--they should just leave. See--when they say they are going to retire fans get really freaked out then spend a ton of money to go see them perform or play before they go Then, the celebrity decides that he or she is gonna stay for awhile more. That is not ok. These fans should get refunds when that happens. Tina Turner is on like her eighth farewell tour, Michael Jordan came back to basketball like three hundred times, and don't even get me started on The Judds.

It's tax day. I completely forgot to do them. Oh well. They will get done eventually.  Every year around tax time, local stores hire street people to put on costumes and wave signs around in an attempt to draw more business. Today I saw a man with one leg dressed as Uncle Sam and a woman with no teeth dressed as the Statue of Liberty. I was disgusted and fascinated at the same time. Apparently, these people receive $20 a day. I'm not really sure what else to say about it. America is a very interesting place.

A school in Chicago has banned lunches made from home. The school says that it wants the students to get away from their families bad eating habits. Now, students must eat the school lunches or go hungry. Many students are opting for the latter. Are school lunches healthy? I didn't think so. Didn't papa Bush say that schools can consider ketchup a vegetable?  Shouldn't they be focusing on math or something?

Ok--two interesting fast food ideas.....one is pretty cool--the other--not so much. Churches chicken is now making tacos. NO! They need to stick with chicken. Taco Bell is trying out a doritos flavored taco shell. I think that sounds amazing. The only thing is....it would be super messy so I suggest that they just have the dorito part on the inside of the shell.

Found a new fun place for lunch. The Baptist Church on Magnolia and Anaheim in Long Beach makes BBQ on Fridays. All you do is stop in, tell them what you want--and BAM--there ya go.  Ok--I'll say it--it's a black church--and let me tell you--the food is AMAZING and all of the women have great hair. Everyone called me baby. I got the combo which was $12. It consisted of 4 huge ribs, 3 pieces of chicken, 2 full hot links, potato salad, beans, mac and cheese, and peach cobbler. I weighed it--6 lbs. I have enough food for the weekend. One of the women was talking to me while I was waiting for my food and she was telling that the choir is saving up for new robes. They are currently doing a cans for the choir drive. I went home and brought back four garbage bags full of cans. She gave me a kiss and an extra peach cobbler. Oh--and I've been invited to church on Sunday. I LOVE black baptist churches. I may just go.

The best story that I heard on the news this week was the one about the couple that won the lottery---only to find out that there was a typo in the newspaper. WTF. They should sue the newspaper. Imagine--winning the lottery then calling your boss to tell him that he's an idiot and that you quit. Woops--now you find out that there was a typo in the paper. Oh dear. What now?

That's all I got for today. Thanks for reading. Much love.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Text mistake, white trash entrepreneur, and jobs I've had

Tuesday's are pretty cool. Mine was anyway. I taught this morning, had therapy (which was great), and went to drum class. Not too much else happened today. Mellow.

Myriam will be home in one week. YAY!! Tomorrow she is in Ann Arbor Michigan--which is where my old stomping grounds are. She is reading at the Aut Bar--the first non seedy gay bar I ever went to. I'm sure she will be able to feel my spirit there. I have friends in Ann Arbor and Ypsilanti--if any of you can--you should go to the reading.

Here are a few humorous things that happened last week. Myriam was texting some friends about how annoyed she was with her boss. She even called her a twat. After the text went through, Myriam realized that the text went to her boss instead of her friends. We both think it's hilarious. It's all straightened out now and Myriam has been more caucious when sending texts.

A young family member of mine who is 13 was seen buying condoms at Wal Mart. I'm from a small town--so of course the person who saw him immediately called his mother. His mother passed the message off to his father. His response was as follows: "Why in the hell is buying condoms?" I just bought him a whole box." Hmmmmm. Well, after he confronted his young son, the truth came out. He had been selling them at school to make some extra money. I think it's brilliant. Let's just hope that if these 7th and 8th graders are actually having sex-- they use these black market condoms. Then it will be a win win for everyone involved.

Dolly Parton says that she loves Lady Gaga. I think that is awesome!! The only thing that will make that better is if they decide to do a duet. My God. That would be one of the greatest colaberations EVER.

Best music lyric of the week: I need you like Jaws needs a raincoat

Best line from Treal TV: Damn, you shot him where his deoderant go

Duran Duran is making a comeback. My cousin Jackie used to LOVE them. If they have a concert in Iowa--I'm gonna fly out and take her.

Here is a list of jobs that I have had. Can anyone beat this?
1. Carny
2. Soda Jerk at Dairy Queen
3. Factory Worker
4. Something illegal
5. Manager of a Christian Grocery Store
6. Fish Monger
7. Baker
8. Deli Owner
9. Funeral plot salesperson
10. Security for the Lakers
11. DM for a coffee company
12. VIP usher for the Kodak Theatre
13. Comedian
14. Wedding officiant
15. Caterer
16. Professor
17. Mystery Shopper
18. DJ
19. After school science teacher
20. Poker and blackjack dealer
21. Food critique
22. Restaurant consultant
23. Salesperson for like a million companies but, the coolest was funeral plots
24. Kosher Chef
25. Speech Consultant
26. Housecleaner
27. Nanny
28. Maintenance worker--which is hilarious because I cannot fix a thing.
29. Hay Baler
30. Telemarketer
31. Barker for Cirque Du Soleil
32. Taps player for military funerals
33. Motorcycle funeral escort
34. Orientation/transfer counselor
35. Dogsitter

There are probably more but that's all I can think of now.

Best Pimp name I have ever heard: Marmalade
Best Psychic name I have ever heard: Peaches

 I'm booked at the Comedy Store in LA on May 8th. Y'all better come out and support. I'm in the Belly Room, I've got new material, and hell--it'll just be fun.

That's it for tonight. Comments are awesome. If you don't want to be anonymous then just sign your name at the end of the post. Yes Katie, I know I still haven't blogged about Mac Dre. It's comin'--be patient. Hyphy Thizzle Dance--SOON!!

Thanks for reading! You are all awesome.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Gandhi, Roscoe's and Tour update

Happy Friday.  I'm just hanging out at home today and tonight which is nice. It's cloudy outside--then it's sunny--then it's raining--then it's windy. Whatever. I taught this morning and class was really good. It's worth the two hour drive.

It's frickin Sunday now. I had some sort of a stomach bug AND a migraine so I've been laying kinda low. Feeling better finally so I thought I'd finish this post.

Myriam is in wrapping up the East Coast portion of her tour. This week she read in New York, New Hampshire, Massachusetts,  Pennsylvania, Maryland, and Virginia. Tomorrow is Kentucky--then to the Midwest. She is not a huge fan of the East Coast claiming all they have there is weird sandwiches, lighthouses, and odd looking white people.  Those odd looking white people did enjoy her book though:) She'll be home in 9 days. I am very excited about that. It just hasn't been the same without her.

I have no comedy gigs lined up right now. I've just been super busy with so much other stuff. It'll happen soon enough-- I'll keep you all posted.

Here are a few things that I just do not understand:
Snooki gets paid more to speak at Rutger's University than Toni Morrison does. Her best line "study hard but party harder." Scary.
McDonalds has 50,000  new job openings while teachers here are being laid off by the thousands. Who needs to learn anything....as long as we have the big mac...we'll be fine. Also scary.
Long Beach City College just finished building a multimillion dollar solar powered parking structure--to assist students with parking. They also cut 222 classes for the fall semester due to the budget. Hey students: you may not get any classes but, chin up, there will always be parking.

It's official: I need a job for the summer. If anyone has any leads or suggestions--please let me know. Yes, I know that McDonalds is hiring. No, I am not above working at McDonalds. Frankly, I'd like to work smart-- not hard. Nothing wrong with that people. If anyone needs any catering done--or a wedding performed--or whatever--let me know.

I am a new fan of the band Gangstagrass. No, they do not sing about 420. It's hip hop and bluegrass combined. I like it. It's very postmodern. Fiddles DO have a place in rap music and that makes me super happy.

I had a student ask me a great question last week after class. "Um, TJ....can you take the morning after pill at night--or just in the morning?"

Went to Roscoe's Chicken n Waffles tonight with my friend Erich. He had never been there before so it was really exciting. He loved it of course. It was also a great opportunity for us to catch up. He had yet to hear all of the details of the saga that was last semester--so now he is up to speed. Everyone needs to hear a good horror story now and again.

Read a great book this week called Great Soul: Mahatma Gandhi and his struggle with India by Joseph Lelyveld. It was REALLY good--very controversial. I highly recommend it to everyone. 


Uncrustables now come on whole wheat bread. They are still not very healthy--but at least I feel better about eating them. For those of you who do not know...uncrustables are little frozen peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with the crusts cut off.  They are pretty much delicious. I've tried to make my own with better ingredients but, they just didn't taste as good.

The Grand Prix was in Long Beach this weekend. I'm glad it's over. A lot of obnoxious people come to town.

Let's see--not too much else is going on. Looking forward to a productive and fun week. Tomorrow I am going to blog about Mac Dre and Treal TV. It's gonna be a hip hop education--a tribute to greatness--and much much more.

Thanks so much for reading.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Reward and punishment, Joe, and I am grateful

I hope that everyone had a nice weekend. The weather today was great. I really like that it stays light longer. Feels almost like summer. Perhaps I will bbq sometime this week. Would anyone like to come over on Thursday for a bbq?

Ok--so an update on Joe Le. Unfortunately, Joe's body was found today at 3:30 p.m. It's times like this that we must all stop and count our blessings. Everything in my life seems so petty compared to this. Please send a shout out to your higher power on behalf of Joe's family and friends. Please add a special one for Brian Tran. Brian saw the whole thing happen and has a lot of guilt--not to mention pain.  I simply cannot imagine witnessing such a tragedy I hope he feels that he can reach out for support from those who love him (including me).

As most of you know.....I recently received an award for professor of the month at Chapman University. I am very proud of this accomplishment. I really love teaching and I know that I am damn good at it. Today I received an email from the head of our department telling me that they have decided to cut the staff in half and, I am being cut. There was no reason given, no explanation about how the choice was made, and no remorse whatsoever. I am very sad because I really love teaching there. I think I bring something fresh to the students. I have a great combination of academic and street smarts--not to mention a great sense of humor. Oh well, I have to just remain positive. Rejection is God's protection. God protects me a lot BTW. LOL. Maybe this is a sign for me to work harder on my comedy--expand my audience. I can still educate. The cool thing about being a comedian is: you can teach others BUT you don't have to grade anything:) Thanks for the outrage though--I love that you all think I'm kinda awesome.

Here are a few reasons why I think I'm awesome:
1. I know all of the words to Shoop
2. I can cook like nobody's business
3. I drive a mustang
4. I am hilarious and can make almost anyone laugh if given the chance
5. I like to read textbooks in my free time
6. I have really cool glasses
7. I have the spirit of a child and the experience of a Chief
8. My students tell me that I have ballin' kicks. I guess that means cool shoes

Here are a few reasons why I think my life is awesome. These are things I'm thankful for:
1. I own a home in southern California
2. I get 19 weeks a year off
3. I am healthy
4. I have amazing friends and family
5. I have the best partner in the world
6. I can be myself--all of the time
7. I am loved and respected
8. Sesame Street is STILL on every single day.

I got nothing else tonight peeps. Sorry--I know there really isn't much wit or sarcasm in this post. Oh well. Still hope you enjoyed reading. Oh KATIE: Tomorrow I will blog about Treal TV. OK?

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Joe Le, HOP, and things about me

Ahhhh. It's Saturday evening. Nothing too exciting planned. Oh-I do need to write an exam. I guess that is what I will do.

Ok. I'm going to start with something kind of serious because it is weighing heavy on my heart. On Friday, one of my students, Brian, was hiking with his friend Joe Le. As they tried to cross the stream, Joe was swept away by the undercurrent and Brian was unable to help. This had to be a very devastating thing to witness. Though there was NOTHING that Brian could have done, I know he feels responsible. A search party has been looking for Joe since Friday afternoon. As of now, they have only recovered his backpack. However, they have not given up.  I'm sure the family and friends of Joe are terrified to say the least.  If any of you have a higher power--please give a shout out to him/her asking for Joe's safe return and for strength for his family and friends.  This is clearly a trying time for everyone that knows and loves Joe. Prayers, chants, vibes, and any other positive energy will be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

OK. I saw HOP yesterday. It was truly wonderful. I took my friend Ellie. She is 3and 1/2. We both laughed a lot, ate popcorn, drank sprite, and just enjoyed the day. Ellie doesn't venture out without her mom very often so I was honored when she agreed to go with me. Here is my favorite thing that she said to me: Hey Teej (yes, she calls me Teej) "You know that song that you like.....I not like your song so turn it off please." Anyways, the movie was great. I recommend it to everyone. Children of ALL ages should see it.

Classes are going pretty well. I cannot believe that the semester is more than half over. Myriam will be home in 18 days so I'm pretty excited about that. She is having a great time. Tomorrow they fly to New York for part 2 of the tour.

I really want to get a job this summer. Any suggestions or leads would be appreciated.

I really like the game Angry Birds. Today I played it with the sound on for the first time. Now I love it even more.

BTW--there IS such a thing as too much cheese.

Where are my poker players? I want to have a game next week. Any takers?

I don't really have much else to say so here are a few random lists about me

Things that make me happy: balloons, waterparks, and weiner dogs

Things that make me angry: apathy, the price of gas, and jaywalkers

Things that make me tear up: those damn animal commercials with Sarah Mclauhlan singing in the background, some of my students' exam scores, and the fact that Betty White is the only Golden Girl left

Things that make me laugh: Myriam's book Wish you were me, mariachi/hiphop fusion, and people that think cats are smart

That's it for now. I'll write again tomorrow. Thanks for reading.