There are days when I feel like a very accomplished person.
There are days when I feel like my entire life has been a waste of time.
There are days when I feel both.
Today is one of those days.
In fact, I've kind of felt like that for the last two weeks. While I am so grateful for all that I have, I'm still struggling mentally, physically, and spiritually.
My biggest problem seems to be lack of motivation. I simply cannot find verve. I've lost all enthusiasm, and it really really sucks. I'm not writing these words in hopes of getting people to "pep me up." It's just the opposite. So many people have reached out to me. I just think this is something I need to process alone. I'm not sure. Only time will tell. In the meantime--please do not take my absence personally. I'm just in a serious funk. Here is how bad my "funk" is. If someone called me and told me that Betty White wanted to meet me for dinner--I'd probably decline. If someone knocked on my door and offered me a job to do comedy--I'd probably decline. If someone offered to move in and become my personal chef--I'd tell them not to bother because I have hot pockets in the freezer. If someone gave me a scratcher that was guaranteed to be worth $--I wouldn't even bother to scratch it. Yes, I realize that this all sounds so ridiculous and that makes everything worse. I have friends, a job I love, a comedy gig every night of the week if I want it, the most amazing partner a person could ask for, a family who loves me.......
I also realize that so many people have reasons to feel low yet they do not. I'm angry for feeling this way, but I can't seem to snap out of it. I need a goal, a purpose, something to spark a drive. Instead--I sit in front of the TV or in front of my computer feeling numb and useless. I've been wanting to blog for ten days. I've started a post every single one of those days and then decided that I had nothing to say. So today I decided that even if the post was gonna be sad or inane--I had to do it anyway. Do I feel better for getting everything out in the open? Sadly, no. Whatever.
Myriam has been beyond patient with me. She just let's me go through what I need to, and that is the very best thing she can do.
Lots happened in the last few months that may be contributing to my funk. Some things are little, but some have been big. Here's a list of some stuff that may be affecting my mood:
1. It's been unbearably hot. The inside of our house has not been below 85 degrees in over a month. Also, I'm going through menopause. The hot flashes along with the heat wave make me feel like I'm living inside a crockpot. The heat has caused sunstroke, dehydration, and migraines. I'm also unable to sleep or eat and that is really fucking up my body and mind.
2. I have a muffin top. Myriam says I do not, but she is wrong.
3. This country is a mess. The issues that politicians are choosing to take on are a complete waste of time. The GOP is insane. Discussions of rape, abortion rights, and gay rights should NOT take precedence over important issues. It's simple. rape is rape, my body my choice, how will my marriage affect anyone's life? RIDICULOUS! It's 2012. How is this even happening?
4. I miss working on the film, and I miss Bridget. This parting ways thing has been difficult for me. I'm actually going through a grieving type process.
5. School has started, and even though I love teaching--I'm tired of the bullshit. I'm tired of the laziness, the lack of respect, and the entitlement that this generation shows. It is so disheartening to see.
6. I feel like I don't even know my own story. I found out some stuff this summer that has derailed 23 years of what I thought was true. I'm left wondering if I even have a story to tell or if my own shame was what caused my wretched path to where I am today. I no longer feel courageous.
7. Ruby's Diner got rid of their sliders. They brought one back, but it's not the same.
8. I've had to watch (without being able to help) as Myriam deals with some very tragic, trying, and sad times. Her courage astounds me.
9. We have no money. No money!!
10. I found myself tapping my toes to a Toby Keith song last week.
11. Everyone I know is so busy. Busy busy busy!! I want to be busy or I want my friends to be less busy. I'm not sure. It's not like I'm motivated to call them or anything. Geesh! Wendy Jo's schedule MIGHT just be driving me insane. I have something to share my dear! LOL.
12. I feel old. I do. I look old, I feel old, I smell old. It worries me. A student asked recently asked me if I knew that Nicole Richie's dad used to be a singer. WHAT? OMG!!!
13. Jerry Nelson and Phyllis Diller both died this week.
I guess I'll stop the list at 13.
Ok--so there ya have it. That's my post for today. In a nutshell--I'm not doing well at all. I'm hopeful that I will snap out of this funk soon. In the meantime--send me love. The following pictures sum up my last month. Cheers!!
This video made me smile a little bit!!
Funky Town REMIX mash up--starring Richard Simmons