The young men in my life, random thoughts, and my show

Summer has flown by. I seriously cannot believe that school has already started.

The last couple of weeks have been pretty good--Myriam and I were housesitting in Old Town Tustin. It was very relaxing. We  finally got to meet our new nephew Moshe--he's a wonderful little man and we (Myrian and I) love him to pieces. Since Yazzy is looking for work out here, I have a feeling we will be spending a lot of time with Mr. Moshe. He is pictured above.

We also recently got to spend some time with little Olen Jones. We played on the slide. Olen and his mama Thais live in Georgia so we only get to see them about once a year. Here's Olen:

I received an amazing card from my cousin Blaine--it was a card of encouragement with a little pep talk. I'm not sure how he knew that I needed some encouragement, but he did, it was awesome. Blaine's the best. Love you cuz!!!

I just want to say happy "birthday" to someone who is celebrating 5 years of sobriety. Well done. I know it hasn't been easy. Just keep going one day at a time and stay true to yourself. You know who you are my friend. See, I didn't forget. Deep down, you knew I wouldn't.

I haven't blogged in awhile. There is really no reason. Sometimes motivation is a hard thing for me. I've struggled with depression for over 25 years and at times, it can be almost crippling. This surprises a lot of people--ya know, cuz I always seem so upbeat AND the fact that I am a comedian. Depression is real and it f***in sucks. It's really hard to explain because, most people don't understand what it is. It's not sadness--when you are sad--you usually know why. When you are depressed--you feel numb--and you have no idea why. Everything in your life can be going great--yet you feel numb and hopeless and everything just stops. That's depression. Well, now y'all know.

On another note, my show is in 2 days. I am really really excited. I'm also quite nervous. My comedy is all about making myself vulnerable. The definition of vulnerable is "susceptible to attack." I guess we will see what happens. It's going to be really fun. I am really proud of myself for doing this. Hope it opens some doors.  DVD's are $10. So, if you cannot make it to the show--buy one. The topics that I will be discussing include: food, turning 40, family, gender and sexuality, being a nerd, depression/mental illness, and much more. Doesn't it sound like a riot? It is.

Life is too short to hold onto anger. Just let it go people. I have and for that I am grateful.

The step-mother of my dear friend Catherine passed away this week from brain cancer. Katy was an awesome woman who lived her life to the fullest. She was a huge fan of NASCAR and Hello Kitty. I loved her energy and feistiness. Godspeed Katy. The world will miss you.

There are too many flavor choices when it comes to slurpees. 3 is plenty, 9 is ridiculous. And what in the hell is cherry cobbler? How is that a flavor?

I hate that I am just as forgettable as I am lovable.

I finally finished the book Roots. I seriously think it is one of the longest books ever. It took me longer to read Roots than it did to read The Bible.

I am so very happy for The West Memphis Three. If you have no idea what I am talking about, google them.

My friend Jamie just ran her very first 5k. She rocks. WTG JW!!

I have found that it is hard to have a bad day if you start it out with blueberry waffles.

My life is pretty awesome. I have the best partner in the world.

Michelle Bachman and Rick Perry seriously scare the hell out of me. I'm not sure what else to say. What will happen if one of them actually becomes President? Is it possible?

That's all I have for today. What do you all want me to write about? I'd love some ideas........

Hope to see you all at my show. For those of you who cannot come, I'm sure you'll be there in spirit. That means a lot. Comments are awesome. Thanks for reading.

Hey hey blog readers. What's going on? Today's blog is dedicated to my tiggle--(that's my nickname for Myriam)--we have called each other tiggle for nearly 12 years. She's super awesome in every single way.

Ok--life is good. My one person show is scheduled for August 24th, 2011. Because sooooo many people are interested in my performance, I am having two shows in one night. You can see me at 7 and again at 9. From what I hear, the tickets are selling pretty well so make sure to buy them in advance. I would really hate it if you came to my show and it was SOLD OUT. 50% of the proceeds are being donated to AMP Lgbtqia and the other 50% will be paying part of my September bills:)

Many of you love me so much but live very far away so, I will be making a DVD and CD of the event You can order one and I'll send it to you str8 away. DVDs of the show are $10.00. But wait, here is the BEST deal EVER: For $15.00 you will receive a DVD of the show, a soundtrack with cool music, AND my tiny book of haiku. Email me for more info. My email is: tjhubergcomedian@gmail.com and my mailing address is 1531 E Walnut Way Long Beach, CA 90813 if you'd like to send a check or money order for the DVD:) Thanks for your support.

Everything is going pretty well. M and I are in Santa Maria this week visiting her family which is always fun. Bob makes such amazing meals for us. I love it when others cook for me:) We are coming back to Long Beach on Thursday and will be stopping at the Skirball Center in LA to check out the Houdini exhibit. It's free on Thursdays.

Ok--I am really sad about Amy Winehouse, but am not at all surprised. Addiction is a very terrible thing. I just hope that she has some peace now wherever she is.

I might run the Atlanta marathon next year. My dear friend Thais (who has been Myriam's best friend since age 4) is visiting from Hotlanta and we talked about it today. Stevie--wanna run in it too? Let's take Georgia by storm.

In the last three weeks I have read 10 books that have dealt with faith one way or another. I find people's journeys to and/or from faith fascinating. Here is the list and my overall thoughts on 3 of the books. I'll blog about the other 7 tomorrow.

1. I'm Perfect, You're Doomed: Tales of a Jehovah's Witness Upbringing by Kyria Abrahams. She is pretty funny and the book does a great job of explaining that particular religion. She's kind of whiny though and you can tell that she was pretty spoiled growing up and, very used to getting her way. I like her snarky humor. B-

2. Prison Angel by Sister/Mother Antonia. Ok--I loved this book. This amazing woman has spent the last twenty-five years living in a prison in Tijuana. She grew up in Beverly Hills which makes it even more amazing to me. Her fearless drive and selfless dedication are very inspiring. I loved it. A

3. Escape by Carolyn Jessup. She left the FLDS. It was a great read. Highly recommended. If you want to know more about the FLDS--this is the book for you. A-

Recently I read an article about people buying more generic products--you know--because of the economy. I find most generic products to be just fine however, there are a few things that are worth the extra pennies. I have tried the following products in a generic form and WAS NOT HAPPY. I reccommend that you always spend a little extra when it comes to: Mac&Cheese (Kraft), Hot Dogs (Nathans or Hebrew National), Soda (always buy name brand soda--Dr Skipper for example is disgusting), Alka Seltzer (the non name brand make me throw up which completely defeats the purpose of Alka Seltzer), Tuna (just don't) , and Ice Cream.

Ok--that's it for today. We have a big day scheduled tomorrow so I am going to call it a night. Still looking for a job BTW so if anyone hears anything--let me know. Thanks for reading. Comments are always wonderful. Being 40 has been super awesome so far. Love to all.

Best cd ever, what in the hell have I been up to, and green grass.

Forgive me readers for I have sinned, it has been two + weeks since my last entry. Ok--so much has happened in the last fourteen  + days. Lord have mercy. Here are a few pics of what has gone on.

On July 1st, I turned 40. I was really really freaked out about it but once I embraced it, it was awesome. The picture above is from my skate party. I rented a roller rink and everyone had a really great time. I am so appreciative to all of the people that came to the big event. I had hundreds of well wishers that could not attend but were there in spirit. I felt them there--but it's a good thing that I didn't have to pay admittance for each one:) The woman that runs the roller rink said that in the 30 years that she has been there, she has never seen such a diverse group of people at a birthday party. Cool. I take pride in that. If you'd like to see other pics--check out my facebook page.

On July 2nd Myriam and I had an impromptu commitment ceremony at the zoo. We have been together for almost 13 years and figured it was about time we had SOMETHING. We plan on having a big party to celebrate this occasion. I will keep you all posted. We had a small private event for a number of reasons: 1. We are cheap. 2. well, there really isn't any other reason:). All kidding aside--we had a rough year. During my midlife crisis I actually left thinking that the grass would be greener somewhere else. HA. I was an idiot but that is a whole different Oprah. Here is what I learned about greener grass: 1. If the grass looks greener somewhere else--chances are--you just need to work on your own yard to beautify it. 2. If the grass somewhere else is indeed greener--chances are--a lot of fertilizer (SHIT) was used to get it that way and NOBODY needs more shit in his/her life. Myriam is an amazing person--she has loved me unconditionally for over a decade. All I know is that I am glad that I saw the error of my ways and that Myriam was --well, Myriam. We are doing very well now. Working hard to keep our own yard green--without using shit to do it. Just TLC is all we need.

Ok--so recently, there was a motorcycle rally protesting helmet laws. One of the participants crashed and died. He would have lived had he been wearing a helmet. Natural selection? Yes, I believe so. Don't get me wrong--I don't think anyone should be forced to wear a helmet on a bike or even a seatbelt in a car. arresting or ticketing people for victimless crimes is really a waste of time--if people want to be stupid without hurting anyone else--just let them. Focus on the texting teens--they scare the hell out of me. 80% of my students admit to twi (texting while driving)--but hey--they wear their seat belts!! Ridiculous.

Here is another interesting story: Budget cuts are happening in Miami. Why you ask--well, the city has to lay people off because the "red light" cameras that catch people when they run a red light--only caught enough people to cover 1/5th of the projected number. In other words, because drivers in Miami are indeed following the traffic laws--they now have to lay people off.

The man that caught Derek Jeter's 3,000th hit ball gave it back to Derek Jeter. Some people say that was neat--I think it was stupid. Mr Garth--(he was my 4th and 5th grade social studies teacher, he reads my blog, and he LOVES baseball) what do you think? I'm dying to know.

Betty Ford was awesome. I'm so glad that she was able to live a long happy life after exposing and facing her demons. Goodspeed Betty.

Here is the playlist from my mix cd from my birthday bash. Several of them just went out in the mail--if anyone else likes the list and wants one--let me know. It's super awesome.

TJ’s 40^th Birthday Bash and Skate Party Mix CD

CD 1—that’s right people—it’s a double CD

1.      Bea Arthur is the sexiest senior citizen ever—club mix of Golden Girls theme

2.      Bueller

3.      Green Giant

4.      First Mash-up of many!! Beyonce goes to Mayberry—WTF! Awesome

5.      Laverne and Shirley (TV show from the 70s) The () was for all those 20 somethings who probably do not even know the showJ Yikes.

6.      Mashup #2—what what? OZZY meets Pink meets Kelly Clarkson! Yep—triple white trash on one song.

7.      Lick a Lolly from 1975—what—that’s right—lick a lolly—just listen and laugh

8.      Happy Days—you know how I feel about the FONZ

9.      Mashup #3—who is it? Well, it’s UNK, Avril Lavigne, and Toni Basil—oh mickey you so fine….you so fine you blow my mind hey mickey.

10.   Silver Spoons REMIX—cool sitcom from 82-86 people.

11.   WOAH—I’m stuck in the 80s remix and medley

12.   Stay tuned—stay tuned for what?—oh the ABC Afterschool Special

13.   Mashup #4—wait for it…..The Jackson 5 and Guns and Roses. Oh Snap!

14.   LITEBRITE—need I say more

15.   Mashup #5—the 70s and 80s collide. Diana Ross and Dead or Alive—go ahead and tap your toes—it’s ok

16.   It’s the Bugs Bunny Looney Toon Comedy Hour!!!

17.   JUST SAY NO PEOPLE—Drugs and caffeine are evilJ

18.   It’s Fun to Smoke Marijuana. What? Oh—it’s Queen mashed up with a sermon on the evils of rock music.

19.   NEXT MASHUP= AWESOME. Notorious B.I.G. and Miley Cyrus.  Yes—you read it right. Hannah Montana meets Biggie Smalls.

20.   The Electric Company theme song from 1971—the year of my birth—we’re gonna turn on the power!!

21.   It’s the Muppet Show! Everyone Loves Kermit. Animal is my favorite.

22.   You’ll jump and jive—American Bandstand.

23.   Mashup-the 80s meet today—Jump you fu****! Cee Lo Green meets Van Halen

24.   Talent shows are for who? South Park. Need I say more?

25.   Oh Gary Coleman—we miss u. Diff’rent Strokes theme song.

26.   Mashup-Queen and David Bowie meet Taio Cruz—yeah I throw my hands up in the air sometimes—

27.   Bea Arthur shares a story—just sit back and enjoy it people.

28.   Mashup! The 80s meet the 90s. LL Cool J and Dexy’s Midnight Runners. What, knock out Eileen?

29.   Fresh Prince=nuf said

30.   Where is the best place ever? That’s right, Toys R Us.

31.   SUPERSTAR by one of my heroes, RuPaul.

32.   I’m a Loner Dottie with Prince playin in the background

33.   And then there’s Maude (Awesome show from the 70s) If you’ve never seen it, you should.

34.   My favorite song of all time—Forever Young

35.   No Whammy

36.   Who’s in charge? Oh, Charles is in charge. A short lived sitcom from the eighties

37.   Mashup—Aerosmith, Run DMC, and Nelly Furtado. It’s sweet.

38.   Mashup—the 80s meet today—Rihanna and Hall & Oates. Ha! Rude maneater

39.   Believe it or not, I’m walkin on air. The Greatest American Hero (sigh)

40.   Oh what’s your name? Oh, your name is LUKA and you live on the second floor. OK

41.   Theme from One Day at a Time. Schneider=a poor man’s fonzie.

42.   HEY HEY HEY it’s a Fat Albert Remix.

CD #2

1. Mashup—whoa Pitbull, The Ying Yang Twins and Kool and the Gang. Lord have mercy. We gonna have a good time tonight.

2. Though he never speaks—he has brought us joy for years. MEEP MEEP

3.   Come and knock on our door. Three’s Company rocks out

4.      Shut up and give me some cherry pie=WARRANT meets the Ying Yings.

5.      I love the way you lie REMIX and mashup—so many artists, so little time.

6.      The 70s and 80s meet again. Disco and Rock= Gloria Gaynor and Suvivor.

7.      Can the Beatles REALLY mashup with Lynard Skynard? Y yes they can. Full on mashup—just listen— you’ll love it. It’s my mix. Me=DJ No Clue

8.      ABBA and Lil Wayne Mashup? Yes. Can’t we all just get along?

9.      Oh you were saved. By What? Oh, the bell. Cool. AC or Zack?

10.      Double 80s people. Joan Jett meets the Beastie Boys. Life makes sense now.

11.      Soulja Boy and the Go Go’s? Can that be real? Yes it can. Next thing ya know there will be a black man as President.

12.      FAME—yes, I’m gonna live forever AND I’m gonna learn how to fly.

13.      Sesame Street. See, one of these things does not belong here, one of these things is not the same.

14.      Many mashups—tap your toes cuz it’s awesome

15.      Who’s the boss? Tony Danza is the boss.

16.      Best thing since sliced bread—just listen

17.      N.W.A. and Nirvana? Yeah, they had the marijuana thing in common. Smeels like it’s straight outa Compton.

18.      The age old question is asked again. What can you get a nudist for her birthday?

19.      He’s dead. Who’s dead? The radio star, and video killed it. Punk version.

20      I.s that Cory Feldman and the truffle shuffle? Yes it is.

21.      DEVO and Willow Smith. WTF. Oh—she whips her hair back n forth

22.      Salt n Pepa with the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. Yep, they pushed it. They pushed it real good.

23.      Can the smurfs really have a rave? Yes they can.

24.      So many white men in one room. Bon Jovi and Huey Lewis and the News. It’s 1988 all over again.

25.      You take the good you take the bad. The Facts of Life.

26.      Philosophy in the 80s

27.      The one and only Michael Jackson meets the one and only (also born on 7/1/71 just like me) Missy Elliot.

28.      I got Pacman fever and it’s driving me crazy.

29.      Ultra mashup

30.      The whitest song on here=Billy Joel meets Petula Clark. LOL

31.      Summer of 2009 mashup

32.      Don’t you forget about me.

33.      Hey. Thank you for being a friend. Seriously, thanks.

Ok--let's see--what else is going on? Oh--I have a show coming up and it's a big one. Save the date--August 24th. More info will be posted after I finalize the details with the promoters next week. If you do not live in So Cal and want to see it--you may order a dvd. All proceeds from the show are going to AMP lgbtqia. I'm going to blog again soon--seriously--soon. Never again will I let so much time pass between posts. In fact--my new goal is at least 3 per week. Tomorrow's blog will discuss books I have read over the summer, the movie Bridesmaids, a little more about my show, Kesha Hondo, and a few observations. Thanks for reading everyone. I've missed posting--comments help with motivation btw. TJ

Twas the blog before middle age.......

Hey everyone. Yes, it is true; I will be 40 tomorrow. I'm really not sure what that is supposed to mean or how I am supposed to feel but it's here and there is nothing I can do about it. Truth be told, I'm excited about the next chapter in my life.

Age is a weird thing. These last few weeks I have been pondering what it means to be 40. Have I accomplished what I was "supposed" to?  Do I "look" 40? You know--I was just being all philosophical and such. The bottom line is--age ain't nothin but a number. Someone recently asked me how old I would be if I didn't know my age--my response was 8. I'm young at heart and I'm proud of everything that has brought me to this stage in my life.

To me, success can only be measured in one way. If one can answer yes to any of these questions, then he/she is successful. Do you like your life? Do you laugh a lot? Do you feel grateful? Do you have people that love you? Are you still learning? I am so lucky because I can actually answer yes to all of these questions. We all live different lives and choose different paths--success cannot be measured by jobs, finances, family, or fame. It's about character and having an open heart and mind. Though I have made many mistakes in my life, I still feel accomplished and am proud of the life that I have lived and the lessons I have learned thus far.

There were so many things I wanted to do before I turned 40--many of them I did not get around to doing. Oh well--if I am supposed to do them--I will eventually. I've done a number of things that I never thought I would or could--sometimes we think we have it all figured out but, God might have other plans. He sure did for me and for that I am grateful.

I am right where I am supposed to be at age 40. I've accomplished a lot but still have a lot of ground to cover. That's alright with me--I've always enjoyed adventures.
Here are some cool things that I did in my first 40 years:
learned to play an instrument, starred in a musical, made a varsity team, traveled the country, recorded a cd, got paid to eat in New York, performed at the laugh factory, won a comedy competition, earned graduate degrees, bought a home, found a partner that has loved me unconditionally for 13 years, met 3 Presidents, published some research, went to the academy awards, won awards for my teaching, lived in the mountains, etc etc etc.

In my next 40 years I hope to continue doing more of the same--I want to tell stories and hope to write and publish my memoirs. I want to keep teaching, keep cooking, keep laughing, and keep learning. That should be pretty easy. I'm so grateful for all of my family, friends, and fans. I'm also grateful for those I have met along the way--even the ones that didn't turn out to be so great--it doesn't matter--I consider myself to be pretty damn lucky.

That's it for today--I realize that it's not very funny or witty--but oh well--I felt like being philosophical for a change. Deal with it. Now that I am in my 40s--expect more wit, more snark, more sarcasm, and more brilliance. One love--thanks for reading. BTW--this was me at age 3--thought you'd all enjoy the pic.

Bolsa Chica with Theresa, Tracy Morgan, and RSVP people

It has been a super long time since my last blog. I didn't have the best week last week, but life is looking better, so I decided to finally get back to posting.

Two questions: How old would you be if you didn't know your age? Can anyone give me a quick lesson on Twitter--I want to tweet and get on bored with the whole twitter thing. I just do not get it.

I recently heard about these "worms from hell." Has anyone else heard of them? The name alone truly freaks me out. I guess there are these worms that live like a mile and a half under ground. I don't know much else about them because I didn't want to read any more information--just thought I'd bring it up. Myriam claims that there are some of them under the house.

Not too much is going on. I enjoy the summer vacation but, sometimes it gets lonely and boring. It's hard to stay motivated. I'd love to find a part time job but there is not much out there. I struggle with depression (which of course is different then sadness) so I've been just working on getting through each day. I will blog this week about depression--comedians and depression--and why the hell it is so difficult to understand, fight, and live with.

Last week I spent a day at Bolsa Chica Beach with my dear friend Theresa. It was WONDERFUL. Theresa and I have ben friends for like 16 years but haven't seen each other in awhile--reconnecting with her was super amazing--we kicked it in her RV, ate cheese, drank a lot of port, and played cards--seriously, it was one of the best days ever.

I have two weeks left of being in my thirties--I feel like I should be doing something like running a marathon or climbing some huge mountain or swimming with the dolphins. Those things all take up so much energy--I think I'll just stay in Long Beach, listen to records, and create some cool panini recipes.

I recently read the book ICE by Ice T. His life is very interesting and I loved his story. His new show Ice Loves Coco is really really good. I think they have a fascinating relationship. In the ten + years that they have been together--they have only spent one night apart. They also have a wonderful dog named Spartacus. I recommend the show to everyone.

Another show that I recently came across is Storage Wars. It's kind of funny--watching these grown ass macho men competing against one another for storage units that they know nothing about. The traits of masculinity and how they are executed by these men (who by the way are nothing special--just average "American" men) are quite an entertaining. I have shopped in three of the stores that they represent which makes it even cooler.

Ok--I want to talk for a minute about Tracy Morgan. First of all, I have NEVER liked him as a comedian. I think he is an idiot. In fact, I really tried to love 30 Rock but had to give it up--because he is such an idiot. His recent anti gay rant during a performance is, in my opinion, unforgivable. Myriam disagrees. She believes that nothing is off limits where comedy is concerned and thinks that the more taboo something is--the better it is to make fun of. I do not think jokes coming from a place of privilege are funny. I argue that those jokes add to stereotypes, promote racism, homophobia, and sexism, and are just an excuse for comedians to be assholes. I have looked at the recent Tracy Morgan issue from the perspective of an academic, a queer person, and a comedian--and--guess what--all conclusions were the same. Now he wants to work with GLAAD--he's just trying to save his pathetic career--I for one will never support him or anything he is a part of again. Myriam will probably attend his next show--Oh well, love is about balance people--we agree to disagree and that is ok.

My birthday party is in a few short weeks. I am really excited. However, many of you have "ignored" the invite. If you are reading this blog and have yet to RSVP to my party with a yes, no, or a maybe--please do so. It's very simple people. Waiting for over 200 of you so let's go.

Will be performing my one person show here in Long Beach at the end of August. More info with dates and location will be coming soon. Myriam and I will both be performing at an event of July 9th. Here is the info--I'll let you know what time we will be on as soon as I know. AMP LGBTQIA is an AMAZING organization so stop by if you can--but don't miss my skate party:)

	Saturday, July 9 at 5:00pm - July 10 at 1:00am
	Dipiazza Restaurant & Lava Lounge 5205 East Pacific Coast Highway Long Beach, CA
	Amp Lgbtqia
	This highly anticipated annual underground "pride" alternative event celebrates the queercore music scene, LBGTQIA artist and DIY crafters. Funds raised at CPRR support the AMP Organization's annual Queer Youth Scholarship fund to encourage young queer artists and musicians. Read more about the AMP Organization here: http://www.amporg.org/ Check out OC Weekly's write up on CPRR #4 here: http://bit.ly/mgnUYp What: 4th Annual Cut&Paste Rock&Roll queer music & DIY art festival When: July 9th 5pm-1am Where: Long Beach! Who: Rockers, Rollers, Queers and friends

Not too much else is going on right now. Myriam is officially done teaching (and unemployed thanks to Arnold.) Looking forward to a super fun and super cheap summer. Have a great day everyone and thanks for reading. Comments are really appreciated.

Moshe, Things that do not belong on pizza, bullies, and books

Hey everyone. The week has gotten away from me again. I cannot believe that it is almost Friday. It's been a great first week of vacation.

Ok--today's post is for my beautiful nephew Moshe. Moshe is a little over 4 months old and he is wonderful. He has one of the most amazing smiles that I have ever seen. He is pictured above in case you couldn't figure that out. I have gotten to skype with Moshe but have yet to meet him. Hopefully that will happen soon. He lives in Brooklyn and I love him very much.

Sun dried tomatoes DO NOT belong on pizza. I really do not understand "fancy" pizzas. Here is a list of other items that should not be allowed on pizza:
any seafood, chicken, snow peas, corn, broccoli, tofu, curry, bbq sauce, smoked gouda, chorizo, hearts of palm, seeds of any kind, and nuts

Will be performing my one person show in August and September. Found promoters and it's going to be super awesome. I will keep you all posted.

The battle in my home today was helium balloons vs ceiling fan. It was a great fight but ended in a tie.

Best mash up name for a celebrity couple= DiLively (Blake Lively and Leo DiCaprio)

The man that Jennifer Aniston is dating looks scary.

Most people do not know that Katy Perry used to be a Christian singer. Her mother is an evangelical minister who is very upset with her daughter's decision to be "worldly."

I have sent out the online invite to my birthday party. I'm really excited--it's gonna be a blast. I've rented out the whole roller rink and snack bar. That's always been a dream of mine so i'm glad it's coming true. I'm looking for suggestions for songs for the mix cd. What songs remind you of me? Come on--you know you want to contribute to the mix cd. I'll be wearing my new bow tie to the event.

Got my haircut today just like Demetri Martins. It looks good if I do say so myself.

The other day I saw two boys picking on another young boy. I pulled my car over, got out, and told them to stop picking on the boy. They seemed annoyed and one even said the infamous words "you're not my mom." I tried to remain calm telling them that it was not ok to pick on people and asked them how they would feel if someone treated them that way. Their response was--people always pick on us--then they started to cry. So there I was, with three young boys who were all crying, and I had no idea what to do. I chatted with them for a while, and long story short--it all ended well. The mother of the youngest boy came out, thanked me, and invited the other boys in for ice cream. Maybe they will all be friends now--I hope so. I know the story sounds like a John Waters movie on the Hallmark Channel but that's ok. If you ever see someone being bullied--you must try to stop it. There is nothing special about what I did--it just seemed like the right thing to do. No one deserves to be tormented. Stop the hate before it's too late.  "Those who stand for nothing fall for anything." Alexander Hamilton


So far I love East of Eden. The book Heat is highly overrated. Sidhartha by Hesse is brilliant. I'm enjoying this week of reading. Now my friend Jamie needs to catch up on East of Eden. We are a two person book club and one of us is behind:) She left today for a whole month. Have fun in Michigan JW. See you when I'm 40:)

This weekend is going to be fun. Roller Derby, birdwatching, a birthday party, and probably a whole bunch of other cool things.

Ok that's it for today. Thanks for reading. Comments are awesome. One love.

"Live in a way where you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers

 "We have enough youth. What we need is a fountain of smart."

Umami, books, and no thumbprint=no money

Happy Memorial Day weekend everyone. It seems like forever since I last blogged. I guess the time just got away from me. School is officially over. Grades are posted, everything is done, and I couldn't be happier. I am so looking forward to a fun summer with Myriam. Seriously, I have a feeling that the next few months will be HUGE for us. If all goes as planned, I will be performing a show in Long Beach, somewhere in the O.C., somewhere in L.A., and in the Bay area--what's up NORCAL? I will keep you all posted. This is a one person show so I won't even have to share the stage.

Plans for my birthday party are coming along slowly. It'll happen for sure--it's just taking longer than I thought it would to get organized.

My mother is out of the hospital!! YAY. She is doing very well and is appreciative for all of the thoughts, prayers, and well wishes.

Ok--Since my last post--3 amazing and brilliant people have passed on to the next life. Gil Scott-Heron, Randy "Macho Man" Savage, and Jeff Conaway.  They will all be missed. They each brought something different to the "potluck" of life, and I appreciated their contributions. One made us laugh, one brought us to the edge of our seats, and one made us think. I am grateful for who they were.

Storm chasers are really stupid people. I mean really stupid. Why oh why would anyone choose to chase after a tornado?

Kim Kardashion is a baby. No one needs a 20.5 carat diamond ring. Any respect that I had for her (which was very little) is gone. It's a disgusting display and I think it should be outlawed. I have no good reason--it just makes my stomach turn.

I am currently reading several books. Sometimes it is hard for me to choose so I just read whatever I'm in the mood for. Last week I had soooo many moods-- so now I am reading: Heat: A Kitchen Memoir (it's ok), East of Eden (reading it with my friend JW), Siddhartha by Herman Hesse, Columbine by Dave Cullen, and Ice-A memoir of Ice T (the rapper/actor not the drink). What can I say--it's an ambitious week.

Myriam saw The Hangover II today with her family. She loved it. I think I'll wait for the DVD.

The new Lady Gaga cd is great. I highly recommend it to everyone. Yes, even you Blaine--it's good music. Madonna is soooooo yesterday--it's time to move on to a new freaky blonde. LOL

The new Betty White book is brilliant. You should all check it out. Betty White is 89 years old. Her take on life is pretty fricking amazing. I laughed a lot when I read it.

Last weekend Myriam and I ate at Umami Burger in L.A. The burger was voted best in America but, I beg to differ. Though the burgers were delicious, they lacked personality. The chefs were so liberal with the truffle oil--that I could hardly taste anything else. One or two drops is sufficient people--please do not douse the bun in it. The burgers were about $15 each which did NOT include a side item so, we ordered fries and onion rings. Again with the truffle oil. OY. The burgers on the menu were interesting but you were not allowed to deviate from the recipes. In other words--you couldn't say no sun dried tomatoes. I think that is ridiculous. People know what they like--they should be willing to get what they want and leave what they do not. 7.8/10 is my rating--a strong C+. Oh--and they do not even have mushrooms--what kind of burger place does not offer mushrooms? For a $50 lunch--I expected a lot more of an experience. Oh well.

Went to Barneys today. Myriam bought a new hat. I got some jeans and a bow tie. I'm really really excited about the bow tie. I've wanted one for a very long time. Now I need an occasion to wear it.

There is a man that has eaten over 25,000 Big Macs. He is healthy. I think that is pretty awesome.

This is a true story: A man with no arms went into a bank to cash a check. Even though he had two forms of i.d. the bank still would not give him the money. The reason: he could not produce a thumbprint. Are people really that stupid?

There is a strong chance that I will be married before I turn 40.
Myriam and I are going birdwatching next weekend.

Not much else to talk about today. Tomorrow's blog will discuss my role models, my non role models, and what I would do if I had no fears.

Thanks for reading. Comments are awesome. One love.

22 years, Trina vs TJ, update on my mom, a great book

Hello everyone. Hope that your weekend has been lovely. The weather here has been great. I have two more days of teaching left, then, I am done. Looking forward to 12 weeks of vacation.

I'll start with an update on my mom. She went in on Thursday for a minor procedure on her heart. Well, the Dr. slipped or something and cut a hole where he shouldn't have. She was in intensive care for one night, showed a lot of improvement, then moved to the normal care wing. We expected her to come home yesterday however, tests showed blood on the lungs as well as a blood clot. Last I heard, the Dr was doing something to prevent the clot from moving. We are all very concerned about these recent events, yet hopeful for a full recovery. I talked to my mother this afternoon and she is about the same. I ask that you all keep my mother (and father for that matter) in your thoughts and prayers. I am fortunate to have friends of all faiths--so I really feel that all of our bases will be covered. Whether you are praying to God, Mohammad, Mother Earth, Buddha, Jesus, Saints, Angels, The Dali Lama, or any other higher power--make sure to mention my family. I will keep you all posted. Thanks so much.

Ok-so yesterday was the 22nd anniversary of my high school graduation. I remember it well. I thought I'd look at how I have either changed or stayed the same since then. Fun Fun. First--just in case you don't know about the town I grew up in--here it is in a nutshell. I grew up in New Hartford, Iowa population 650. Yes, that says 650. My graduating class consisted on 23 people--20 of which I saw at the 20 year high school reunion. My town was and still is 99.99% white. The school that I attended was K-12--in other words, we all grew up together, looked the same, and knew each other well. I would consider Jamee Maurer Klein and Mary Huff honorary members of the class because they were with us except for the last year. Ok-here is the list:

Things about me that haven't changed since 1989
1. I still love Bon Jovi, Def Leppard, and pretty much all other music from that era. Michael Jackson!
2. I'm still optimistic about my future
3. I still love to roller skate!!
4. I still think the Big Mac is amazing
5. I still don't need the math I learned in school
6. I still drive a mustang and think it's a sweet car.
7. I still talk to Devona Neiman almost everyday (facebook)
8. I still love being on stage
9. I still want to be a comedian
10. I still am not a morning person
11. I still think that the show "Roseanne" is the greatest sitcom ever.  (Modern Family is a close second)
12. I still don't appreciate "classic" literature like I am supposed to.
13. I still love to watch people breakdance
14. I am still afraid of snakes
15. I still have about the same amount in my savings account--which is next to nothing
16. I still think metal lunchboxes are awesome
17. I still use the word awesome
18. I am still not a parent
19. I still have all of my papers in unorganized piles
20. I still just "wing it" most of the time
21. My Cousin Jackie is still one of my closest friends
22. I still love John Hughes movies

Things about me that have changed since 1989
1. I can no longer run a mile in under 6 minutes
2. I no longer wear acid washed jeans--or a size 3 for that matter
3. I am now "out" and proud
4. I no longer fear authority--not at all!
5. I no longer strive to impress others
6. I now have to drink diet soda.
7. I now call pop soda
8. I now have neighbors who are not white
9. I am no longer interested in camping or kayaking
10. I no longer wear feminine clothes
11. I no longer try to fit in
12. I now actually read books instead of just pretending to
13. I  now think office supplies and socks are great Christmas gifts
14. I weigh about 45lbs more-yikes
15. I am now a Buddhist
16. I am now much more politically aware
17. I am now well traveled and well educated
18. I am now afraid of flying
19. I no longer own a walkman or a VCR
20. My hair is no longer huge--and neither are my glasses for that matter
21. I no longer drink alcohol.
22. I no longer shave my legs

I can probably think of a million more but that's it for now. Ok, so my given name is Trina but my friends all know me as TJ--well, most of my friends do. Here's how it works. Everyone that has known me for more than 20 years calls me Trina. All of my family members (even those under age 20) call me Trina. People that met me after 1992 call me TJ. All of my students call me TJ--except a few ESL students that cannot say their Js. They call me professor Trina which I love. Some people are two-timers, meaning that they call me TJ sometimes but Trina other times. My cousin Janelle calls me little T. I love that. I'm sure that most of you couldn't care less about this--just thought I'd share. TJ stands for Trina Jo BTW. Mt friend Jamie calls me Teej. I'm sure I've been called a lot of other names, both good and bad, but I just wanted to focus on TJ and Trina.

Just finished the book I'm Perfect and You're Doomed which is a memoir about a girl's upbringing in the Jehovahs Witness religion. The book was awesome. I recommend it to anyone with a good sense of humor. The author had very dry wit and seemed like she was a lot to handle as a teen. She's wicked smart yet whiny and her story made me laugh a lot. I am currently working on my memoir. Anybody got any title ideas?

Ok-that's it for today. Thanks for reading everyone. Comments are awesome. One love.

Recap, the Sperminator, and Guavas in the sky

I guess blogger is back up so I thought I'd post. Unfortunately, my post from last week was removed when they did maintenance so here is a recap in case you didn't get to read that one:
I got to meet Dimitri Martin (see facebook profile pic)

Myriam had a birthday. It was super fun. She is 34 now.
Myriam lost her job:( Thanks Arnold for f***ing up Cali's budget.

I think the "It gets better" campaign should be changed to the "Let's make it better" campaign. See, it doesn't get better--grown ups are also big ol bullies. More than half of the country is still against gay rights.

Gay "pride" needs to be FREE. It needs to be accessible to ALL people. Booze and sex is not pride--it's a party--and a bad one at that.

My Chapman students threw me a party--they rock.

It costs 100,000 just to have your wedding at the Huntington Botanical Gardens.

I am now a level 1 Reiki healer. If you do not know what Reiki is, you should look it up.

My mom sent me a care package. I love her a lot.

Ok--now that you are all up to speed--here is my latest post:

Two schools down and one to go!! I am very excited for next week to be over so I can begin my summer vacation.  The end of the semester is very bittersweet. I am SOOO ready for a break but, I will miss all of my students very much. I really had a good batch this semester--they were all very hardworking--well, let me take that back--they were just a good batch--a good mix of diligence, entertainment, brilliance, support, and sheer joy. Seriously. Thanks kittens for making this semester awesome for me.

What else is going on? Myriam and I are on a mission to have the funnest yet cheapest summer ever. Yesterday my students helped me make a list of free things to do. Let's just say that there are enough items on the list to keep us busy all summer long. I'm very excited about that.

Myriam and I have a guava tree in our yard. Sometimes I would come home from school and I would hear someone yell--"Hello." I'd look up and our next door neighbor would be sitting in the tree like it was the most normal thing in the world. He would always say...enyoying (yes, it says enyoying) the fruit and the weather. I honestly think those were the only words he knew in English. I'm certain that his family taught him those words so he could communicate with me why he was in my tree. Anyways--it was fine. We loved him and I was happy to see someone "enyoying" the fruit. Well, he died recently and I miss him. He was a gentle, kind, and loving man. Even though we did not speak the same language--his energy still made an impact on my life. He looked like he was maybe 70 or 75 years old and he died in his sleep. I'm certain that he is somewhere where there are many quava trees. RIP Sanchez. "Enyoy" the afterlife.

Ok-new topic. Arnold Schwarzenegger is an idiot. He is a dishonest repulsive man with no integrity at all. To fu** up the lives of his family (I love Maria Schriver) is bad enough--but he also fu**ed up California. He lied to us all. He was against gay marriage--telling me that I would hurt the moral fiber of CALIFORNIA (say it in the Arnold voice). What a joke. His lack of integrity and his narcissistic attitude have caused a lot of trouble for Californians. Tuition is so high that many students can no longer afford an education, important programs have been cut, and hundreds and hundreds of teachers (including Myriam) have lost their jobs. I never really liked him--but now he is on my list of my most despised and wicked people that hold WAY to much power, have WAY to much money, and need to keep their pants ZIPPED.

I simply cannot believe that Zsa Zsa Gabor is still alive. She is quite a fighter.

Cher is 65 years old. I do not quite know how I feel about that--it's just weird. Time really does go by super fast.

The movie Bridesmaids was amazing. Myriam believes that this film will be revolutionary. Finally we get to see REAL women who are REALLY funny dealing with REAL things. YAY!!! Even straight men will laugh. Well done indeed. I think Maya Rudolph is beautiful.

Ok--I think that is enough for today. I find that if the blog posts are too long--people do not read the whole thing. I may blog again later tonight but for now--that's it. Love you all. Comments are awesome. Oh--and if you want to leave a comment and get credit for it--just sign your name at the end. Duh!!

The pain of a ginger, tow companies, things that start with s, and inappropriate attire.

I think it's been over a week since my last post. Let's just say that it's been the best of weeks, it's been the worst of weeks. No biggie.

I'm like a Phoenix!!!! Ya know, the bird--not the city.

Ok--let's see....what is going on? Osama, Obama, My mama. One is dead, one was forced to prove that he was born in the U.S., and one had her 58th birthday on Tuesday. Wow mom--you are gettin' up there.

Today I saw two tow trucks with interesting company names. One was ironic and one was clever. Emergency Hookers is the one I will always call if I need help. The other was called All American Tow. The truck was a Toyota therefore NOT all American.

I love  the 7 11 Coffee bar. Today it was extra awesome because the blueberry flavored coffee was right next to the butter toffee flavored. I mix the two of them, so it was nice not to have to move. The man next to me was wearing tighty whiteys and a blue t shirt. Seriously, that was all that he had on. Is that legal? If it is, I don't think it should be. Chones are an undergarment--not shorts.

What did Mariah Carey name her children?

One of my Chapman students' sorority broke a world record yesterday. They created the world's largest thank you card. I think that is pretty cool. Way to go Camille and sisters.

Things that I do not like that start with the letter S:
Sweet potatoes
Scrabble
The Simpsons
Sour candy
Snakes
Sand
Spumoni
Snowboarding
Snooki
Salsa

Things that I like that start with the letter S
Sesame Street
Snuggies
South Dakota
Seinfeld
Soda water
Sandwiches
Sweater vests
Storytelling
Sandra Bullock
Snoop Dogg

Here is a very interesting fact:
People with red hair aka "gingers" need more anesthesia than the average person for pain. Apparantly, they feel more pain and are more sensitive to it than everyone else. Poor gingers!! Does that mean they have to pay extra when they get surgery, because anesthesia is frickin expensive? The bill for my mastectomy was $57,000 and more than half of that was just for the anesthesiologist. BTW--it was an outpatient surgery. Isn't that a RIDICULOUS amount of money?

You're so vain, you probably think this blog post is about you.

If you purposefully create an atmosphere of compassion in everything that you do--that will make your own life pretty awesome.

Myriam and I have decided to go camping this summer for a weekend. Neither of us are fans of camping, but we thought it sounded fun. We are gonna make smores, go hiking, do some birdwatching, and collect leaves. Doesn't that sound like fun? That's what I thought.

Went to Cafe Piccolo for dinner. It was REALLY REALLY good. We needed a nice evening out.

Tomorrow I am taking a 9 hr Reiki training class. I cannot wait. In simple terms, Reiki is Japanese technique for stress reduction and energy healing. My friend Kat is a master Reiki teacher, and I am her guest at the class. I'm really looking forward to the experience.

Today I will close with a joke.
A blind man walked into a store with his guide dog. He immediately picked up his dog and begun to swing him around by the leash like he was a toy. The store clerk came over to the man and said, "can I help you sir?" The blind man replied, "no, I'm just looking around." HAHAHAHA.

That's it for now y'all. It's nice to fully have my life back. Look out cuz there is no stopping me now. Thanks for reading. Comments are always appreciated.

Bumbling homophobe, a mess at open mic, and what now.....

Hey everyone. This will be a great post. Just thought you'd all like to know that.

Ok--first things first, can ANYONE tell me in very basic--and I mean very basic terms what the differences are between dubstep, techno, and house music? I seriously think that they all sound the same.

Best song lyric of the week: "I don't need a boyfriend cuz I got my flip flops." Simplistic efforts+ philosophical brilliance= country music.

True story: Last week in Oregon there was an open mic event at a coffee shop. We all know that open mic's can be f***ing weird, but that is not the point. So this guy got up and sang a new song that he had written. The name of the song was, Sorry for the Mess. After he sang the song, he proceeded to stab himself to death--ONSTAGE. The freaks in the audience thought it was part of his art, so they just watched--ya know--while nodding their heads--pretending that they thought it was a brilliant performance. Finally, someone realized that he was indeed stabbing himself, but by then, it was too late--  he was dead. Suicide is never funny, but this story did make me laugh. How in the hell does one just watch something like that happen? Seriously, how?  Note to self: stay away from open mic's in Oregon.

Ok-here is another tragically funny story. I recently went to my very first soccer game ever. It was a super fun experience. My dear friend Sammy is a member of the Angel City Brigade which is a group of die hard Galaxy fanatics that attend every game and cheer the entire time. They have drums, flags, special cheers and songs--it's really cool. I totally got into the hype. I was jumping, singing, and cheering just as loud as everyone else................ Here is where the story turns tragically funny--the leader of the group stands in front with a megaphone to let us know which song or cheer we should do. He also keeps everyone in line and kicks people out that aren't actively participating.

Ok--the leader announced that we all needed to raise our hands while doing "spirit fingers"--then we needed to shout in unison as the opposing teams goalie kicked the ball--as the goalie made contact with the ball we all screamed "puto." Ok--even though I should know spanish--I don't. When I told Myriam about the cheer she looked dumbfounded and asked me if I knew what puto meant. I of course said that I thought it meant f***er to which she replied that I was wrong. It means faggot. I was unknowingly committing a verbal hate crime--for 90 minutes--and smiling while doing it. She thought it was hilarious. Here is what makes this story funny:
1. Doing spirit fingers is super gay
2. I am an idiot

Here is what makes this story tragic:
1. 7/10 teen suicides are caused because of a gender or sexuality crisis
2. I spend every waking moment trying to teach people about why acceptance of others is crucial

I'm sad because I cannot possibly attend another game with the ACB even though I really enjoyed the experience. Some people may argue that it's just a word, but I beg to differ. The saying "sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me" is str8 up bullshit. Words can be much more powerful than a punch--scars from words take much longer to heal. I plan on writing a letter to the ACB to see if they would be willing to change that particular cheer.

The interesting thing about the ACB is that it is a very diverse group. They pride themselves on diversity--I'm hoping a conversation with them will open doors to queer galaxy fans. Perhaps there are already some in the group....I'm sure shouting that word is very difficult for them to do. Gandhi says that we should "be the change you wish to see," I guess this is where I come in because I simply cannot stand by and watch this continue.

I finished The Art of War. I loved it. I read it through a queer comedic lens--which I'm sure has never been done before.

I'm really glad that the semester is nearly over.  I love teaching so much, but I hate all of the drama that comes with it. Seems the dean needs to meet with me AGAIN.....wonder what it is this time. Who knows? I am comforted though by the saying: "well behaved people rarely make history." I truly believe that I am good at what I do. I have changed lives and am seriously tired of having to defend my teaching style. I guess we will see what happens.

Not much else is going on. Looking forward to my meeting tonight and a cool event on Saturday. I think I'll bbq on Sunday. Thanks for reading everyone.

Forbidden speech topics, books, Is that Aretha or....

I think it's odd that we call today "good Friday." Isn't this supposed to be the day Christ DIED? And then we call that cool day of shopping after Thanksgiving "black Friday." What's black about it? They should be switched. BTW--yes, I know we call it good Friday because ye ol' JC died for us, and that's "good." And, yes I know we call the other one black Friday because it's the day most companies get out of the red and into the black financially. Most people don't know that so...I still think it's odd.

Saw HOP again today with Myriam. She loved it. Is there a soundtrack for that film cuz if there is, I'd like to get it. I really enjoyed all of the music.

This week I heard some of the best speeches ever in my public speaking class. Thanks everyone for working so hard. My students are pretty great. Today I actually held an "optional"lecture/class and 21 people showed up:) I couldn't believe it.

I have a very short list of speech topics that are off limits. After this week, I have added to more. Here is the list just in case you are curious:
1. NO BOARD SPEECHES i.e. snowboard, surfboard, wakeboard, skateboard, etc. It's not that I have anything against these boards or the people that ride on them--it's just that I live in Southern Cali so I've already heard about 100 of these speeches. I just cannot hear another one.

2. No abortion. The reason for this is: someone always cries or storms out of the room. It's not worth it.
3. No death penalty.
4. Do NOT try to save our souls? I once had a student do a persuasive speech where they had an "alter call" at the end.  He wanted us all to come forward and accept Jesus as our personal savior. This student said that if each of us did not come forward--we would burn in hell. A Jewish student freaked out and another student told the speaker to fuck off.  It was not at all productive.
Here are the two that I had to add this week:
1. How to put in contact lenses. Um...I nearly threw up. It's weird I know, I just cannot watch someone touch his or her eye. I have never tried contacts simply because the thought of touching my own eye makes me weak in the knees.
2. How to test your blood sugar. Um...you know how I am with needles and blood. Let's just say it's hard to grade a speech when you are passed out on the floor. LOL.

Let's see.....what else is going on? It's so great having Myriam home. She enjoyed the tour but is really happy to be back in LBC. Tomorrow is the L.A. Grilled Cheeses Invitational. It's also the L.A. Galaxy game. Oh, and I have to teach in the morning. Busy day I guess.

Myriam thinks that Aretha Franklin looks like Snuffleupagus from Sesame Street. At first I was offended by such a ridiculous statement. Then, I looked at her latest picture and cannot help but agree.

I try really hard to read two books a week. This week I am reading The Art of War by Sun Tzu and The Jungle by Upton Sinclair. The two in line after that are Kiss and Tell by Mari Naomi and Water for Elephants by Sarah Gruen. I'll let you all know what I think of them. Ice T just came out with his memoir. I'm pretty sure it's gonna be good.

Next month Lily Tomlin AND Wanda Sykes are both coming to Long Beach. My friend Jen got an interview with Lily Tomlin. I'm really excited for her--

Best song lyric of the week "If the proof is in the pudding then call me Cosby."
Best sign that I saw this week at a church: "Finding eggs is ok but finding Jesus is better." Is he hiding?
That's all I have for today. Happy Easter--hope all of your baskets have the good chocolate in them and not that cheap stuff that tastes like waxy pencil shavings. Thanks for reading.

Weekend plans, pimp driving, and the meat we eat

It's Wednesday night, Myriam is finally home, and life is good. We are working through our stuff, moving forward, and possibly planning a wedding:) Yes--what I say is true.

Ok so I am no longer performing at the Comedy Store on May 8th. I got bumped. No big deal. I'll get there eventually. Everything happens in its own time. I have been writing a one person show. I hope to perform that this summer--I'm sure tons of people will come and see it.

I have a VERY busy weekend coming up. Of course Scratch and Sid (our two rabbits) are very excited about delivering baskets on Sunday. I am supposed to be a judge at the L.A. Grilled Cheese Invitational on Saturday AND I am supposed to go to the LA Galaxy game. Tough decision to make--isn't it? Myriam and I are going to see Hop and Water for Elephants on Friday. We are also going out for a romantic dinner before. I'm very excited. On Sunday, we are going to brunch then to see the flowers in Carlsbad.

The weather has been weird--especially in the midwest. I hear that it's still snowing in Iowa and Illinois. That is ridiculous.

I am so glad that I am on spring break right now at Chapman. I absolutely HATE teaching on April 20th. Everyone is always saying--"dude, it's 420--cool." What a bunch of idiots.

Ok--I learned something really interesting this week about what we, as Americans, eat. Here's the deal: The average American eats 64 lbs of beef, 50 lbs of pork, 57 lbs of chicken, and 14 lbs of turkey every year. Just an FYI--that is 185 lbs of meat. I'm not sure what to do with that information--I just thought it was pretty facinating.

Today I saw a pimp driving around in a lavander cadillac. Well, at least I think it was a pimp. His liscense plate said Mr 2 tall, he was smoking a long cigar, and he had a feather in his fedora hat. I really really wanted to talk to him.

I am no longer going to carry ID. Why, you ask? Because people should just know who I am. That of course is the philosophy of Sue Sylvester. It's now mine too.

Still looking for summer work. Erin--I will try to come to the theater soon:) Next week I plan on sending out a lot of resumes. Hopefully something  good will come out of that. I'd love to find something part time--but I need to make like four grand to get through the summer. I guess we will see what happens.

That's it for today. Thanks for reading folks.

Baptist BBQ, typo, and a one-legged Uncle Sam

Happy Friday. It is a beautiful day outside. I believe it's 83 degrees with a nice breeze. Too bad Myriam isn't here to enjoy it with me. Speaking of Myriam, she will be home in 4 days. 4 DAYS!!!!! YAY! She has been gone for 30 days and I am very ready for her to come home. I miss her a lot. The Sister Spit Tour is going very well. Tonight they are in Minneapolis, Sunday is Madison Wisconsin, and Monday is Chicago.

I've recently noticed a trend with music that I do not understand. What is up with artists coming out with part II and part III of songs? Is it because they have run out of ideas so they just add to whatever is already out there? I do not think it should be allowed.

I also do not think athletes and musicians should get to return after they retire. Once they say they are gonna leave--they should just leave. See--when they say they are going to retire fans get really freaked out then spend a ton of money to go see them perform or play before they go Then, the celebrity decides that he or she is gonna stay for awhile more. That is not ok. These fans should get refunds when that happens. Tina Turner is on like her eighth farewell tour, Michael Jordan came back to basketball like three hundred times, and don't even get me started on The Judds.

It's tax day. I completely forgot to do them. Oh well. They will get done eventually.  Every year around tax time, local stores hire street people to put on costumes and wave signs around in an attempt to draw more business. Today I saw a man with one leg dressed as Uncle Sam and a woman with no teeth dressed as the Statue of Liberty. I was disgusted and fascinated at the same time. Apparently, these people receive $20 a day. I'm not really sure what else to say about it. America is a very interesting place.

A school in Chicago has banned lunches made from home. The school says that it wants the students to get away from their families bad eating habits. Now, students must eat the school lunches or go hungry. Many students are opting for the latter. Are school lunches healthy? I didn't think so. Didn't papa Bush say that schools can consider ketchup a vegetable?  Shouldn't they be focusing on math or something?

Ok--two interesting fast food ideas.....one is pretty cool--the other--not so much. Churches chicken is now making tacos. NO! They need to stick with chicken. Taco Bell is trying out a doritos flavored taco shell. I think that sounds amazing. The only thing is....it would be super messy so I suggest that they just have the dorito part on the inside of the shell.

Found a new fun place for lunch. The Baptist Church on Magnolia and Anaheim in Long Beach makes BBQ on Fridays. All you do is stop in, tell them what you want--and BAM--there ya go.  Ok--I'll say it--it's a black church--and let me tell you--the food is AMAZING and all of the women have great hair. Everyone called me baby. I got the combo which was $12. It consisted of 4 huge ribs, 3 pieces of chicken, 2 full hot links, potato salad, beans, mac and cheese, and peach cobbler. I weighed it--6 lbs. I have enough food for the weekend. One of the women was talking to me while I was waiting for my food and she was telling that the choir is saving up for new robes. They are currently doing a cans for the choir drive. I went home and brought back four garbage bags full of cans. She gave me a kiss and an extra peach cobbler. Oh--and I've been invited to church on Sunday. I LOVE black baptist churches. I may just go.

The best story that I heard on the news this week was the one about the couple that won the lottery---only to find out that there was a typo in the newspaper. WTF. They should sue the newspaper. Imagine--winning the lottery then calling your boss to tell him that he's an idiot and that you quit. Woops--now you find out that there was a typo in the paper. Oh dear. What now?

That's all I got for today. Thanks for reading. Much love.

Text mistake, white trash entrepreneur, and jobs I've had

Tuesday's are pretty cool. Mine was anyway. I taught this morning, had therapy (which was great), and went to drum class. Not too much else happened today. Mellow.

Myriam will be home in one week. YAY!! Tomorrow she is in Ann Arbor Michigan--which is where my old stomping grounds are. She is reading at the Aut Bar--the first non seedy gay bar I ever went to. I'm sure she will be able to feel my spirit there. I have friends in Ann Arbor and Ypsilanti--if any of you can--you should go to the reading.

Here are a few humorous things that happened last week. Myriam was texting some friends about how annoyed she was with her boss. She even called her a twat. After the text went through, Myriam realized that the text went to her boss instead of her friends. We both think it's hilarious. It's all straightened out now and Myriam has been more caucious when sending texts.

A young family member of mine who is 13 was seen buying condoms at Wal Mart. I'm from a small town--so of course the person who saw him immediately called his mother. His mother passed the message off to his father. His response was as follows: "Why in the hell is buying condoms?" I just bought him a whole box." Hmmmmm. Well, after he confronted his young son, the truth came out. He had been selling them at school to make some extra money. I think it's brilliant. Let's just hope that if these 7th and 8th graders are actually having sex-- they use these black market condoms. Then it will be a win win for everyone involved.

Dolly Parton says that she loves Lady Gaga. I think that is awesome!! The only thing that will make that better is if they decide to do a duet. My God. That would be one of the greatest colaberations EVER.

Best music lyric of the week: I need you like Jaws needs a raincoat

Best line from Treal TV: Damn, you shot him where his deoderant go

Duran Duran is making a comeback. My cousin Jackie used to LOVE them. If they have a concert in Iowa--I'm gonna fly out and take her.

Here is a list of jobs that I have had. Can anyone beat this?
1. Carny
2. Soda Jerk at Dairy Queen
3. Factory Worker
4. Something illegal
5. Manager of a Christian Grocery Store
6. Fish Monger
7. Baker
8. Deli Owner
9. Funeral plot salesperson
10. Security for the Lakers
11. DM for a coffee company
12. VIP usher for the Kodak Theatre
13. Comedian
14. Wedding officiant
15. Caterer
16. Professor
17. Mystery Shopper
18. DJ
19. After school science teacher
20. Poker and blackjack dealer
21. Food critique
22. Restaurant consultant
23. Salesperson for like a million companies but, the coolest was funeral plots
24. Kosher Chef
25. Speech Consultant
26. Housecleaner
27. Nanny
28. Maintenance worker--which is hilarious because I cannot fix a thing.
29. Hay Baler
30. Telemarketer
31. Barker for Cirque Du Soleil
32. Taps player for military funerals
33. Motorcycle funeral escort
34. Orientation/transfer counselor
35. Dogsitter

There are probably more but that's all I can think of now.

Best Pimp name I have ever heard: Marmalade
Best Psychic name I have ever heard: Peaches

 I'm booked at the Comedy Store in LA on May 8th. Y'all better come out and support. I'm in the Belly Room, I've got new material, and hell--it'll just be fun.

That's it for tonight. Comments are awesome. If you don't want to be anonymous then just sign your name at the end of the post. Yes Katie, I know I still haven't blogged about Mac Dre. It's comin'--be patient. Hyphy Thizzle Dance--SOON!!

Thanks for reading! You are all awesome.

Gandhi, Roscoe's and Tour update

Happy Friday.  I'm just hanging out at home today and tonight which is nice. It's cloudy outside--then it's sunny--then it's raining--then it's windy. Whatever. I taught this morning and class was really good. It's worth the two hour drive.

It's frickin Sunday now. I had some sort of a stomach bug AND a migraine so I've been laying kinda low. Feeling better finally so I thought I'd finish this post.

Myriam is in wrapping up the East Coast portion of her tour. This week she read in New York, New Hampshire, Massachusetts,  Pennsylvania, Maryland, and Virginia. Tomorrow is Kentucky--then to the Midwest. She is not a huge fan of the East Coast claiming all they have there is weird sandwiches, lighthouses, and odd looking white people.  Those odd looking white people did enjoy her book though:) She'll be home in 9 days. I am very excited about that. It just hasn't been the same without her.

I have no comedy gigs lined up right now. I've just been super busy with so much other stuff. It'll happen soon enough-- I'll keep you all posted.

Here are a few things that I just do not understand:
Snooki gets paid more to speak at Rutger's University than Toni Morrison does. Her best line "study hard but party harder." Scary.
McDonalds has 50,000  new job openings while teachers here are being laid off by the thousands. Who needs to learn anything....as long as we have the big mac...we'll be fine. Also scary.
Long Beach City College just finished building a multimillion dollar solar powered parking structure--to assist students with parking. They also cut 222 classes for the fall semester due to the budget. Hey students: you may not get any classes but, chin up, there will always be parking.

It's official: I need a job for the summer. If anyone has any leads or suggestions--please let me know. Yes, I know that McDonalds is hiring. No, I am not above working at McDonalds. Frankly, I'd like to work smart-- not hard. Nothing wrong with that people. If anyone needs any catering done--or a wedding performed--or whatever--let me know.

I am a new fan of the band Gangstagrass. No, they do not sing about 420. It's hip hop and bluegrass combined. I like it. It's very postmodern. Fiddles DO have a place in rap music and that makes me super happy.

I had a student ask me a great question last week after class. "Um, TJ....can you take the morning after pill at night--or just in the morning?"

Went to Roscoe's Chicken n Waffles tonight with my friend Erich. He had never been there before so it was really exciting. He loved it of course. It was also a great opportunity for us to catch up. He had yet to hear all of the details of the saga that was last semester--so now he is up to speed. Everyone needs to hear a good horror story now and again.

Read a great book this week called Great Soul: Mahatma Gandhi and his struggle with India by Joseph Lelyveld. It was REALLY good--very controversial. I highly recommend it to everyone. 


Uncrustables now come on whole wheat bread. They are still not very healthy--but at least I feel better about eating them. For those of you who do not know...uncrustables are little frozen peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with the crusts cut off.  They are pretty much delicious. I've tried to make my own with better ingredients but, they just didn't taste as good.

The Grand Prix was in Long Beach this weekend. I'm glad it's over. A lot of obnoxious people come to town.

Let's see--not too much else is going on. Looking forward to a productive and fun week. Tomorrow I am going to blog about Mac Dre and Treal TV. It's gonna be a hip hop education--a tribute to greatness--and much much more.

Thanks so much for reading.